Love
One of the commonly misunderstood scriptures in the bible is:
So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me more than these?”
He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love you.”
He said to him, “Feed my lambs.”
He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?”
He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love you.”
He said to him, “Tend My sheep.”
He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?”Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love me?”
And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love you.”
Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.”-- John 21:15-17 NKJV
Out of context it seems like Jesus expect Peter to lust after him and that Jesus expect his disciples to compete in this regard. To make matters worse it also seems like Jesus is half deaf because Jesus repeatedly ask the same question until Peter is grieved.
Context
Jesus was asking Peter if he loved Jesus more than he loved fishing. Jesus was asking Peter if he would leave the security of his fishing trade to go into ministry full-time. Some people think that Jesus was asking Peter if he loved Jesus more than the other disciples did. That is not the case. First, that is the kind of question that fosters division between people. It leads to a proud, braggart position of the heart and sometimes then even gets manifested among the people. Jesus never fostered division among the apostles. Second, the extent to which someone loves the Lord is a matter of the heart. We cannot look at other Christians and tell whether we love Jesus more than they do. Jesus knew this, and would never ask Peter to evaluate the love that the other apostles had for him. Third, the context makes it clear what Jesus was asking Peter to do: give up fishing and take on full-time ministry, because three times Jesus asked Peter to feed his sheep, i.e., the people. The “these” that Jesus referred to, and probably looked at or pointed to, were all the fish that were there, which had been dragged onto the shore by the other disciples (John 21:8).
Still more evidence comes from the fact that as Jesus walked off with Peter, John followed. But when Peter asked Jesus about John, Jesus basically told Peter that was none of his business. It would be incongruous for Jesus to ask Peter if he loved Jesus more than the other disciples but then only minutes later tell Peter that what the others were to do was none of his business. We can conclude that Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me more than fish and fishing?”
Lost in translation
The second misunderstanding comes when 4 different Greek words are all translated as "love" in English. These are:
- agapé: characterized by selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love. It is an act of the will, characterized by a commitment to the well-being of others.
- phileó: characterized by friendship, affection, and fondness. It is often associated with close relationships, emotional bonds and emphasizes mutual respect and shared experiences.
- storgé: characterized as family affection
- erós: characterized as sexual (erotic) desire
God so “loved” (agapē) that He gave His Son. It did not feel good to God to do that, but it was the loving thing to do. Christ so loved (agapē) that he gave his life. He did not want to die, but he loved, so he did what God required. A mother who loves a sick baby will stay up all night long caring for it, which is not something she wants to do, but is a true act of agapē love. Agapē love is not simply an impulse generated from feelings. Rather, agapē love is an exercise of the will, a deliberate choice. This is why God can command us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44; Exod. 23:1-5). He is not commanding us to “have a good feeling” for our enemies, but to act in a loving way toward them. In fact, Luke 6:27 says to love our enemies and then tells us how to love them, which is by doing good to them: “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.”
Agapē love is related to obedience and commitment, and not necessarily feeling and emotion. “Loving” someone is to obey God on another’s behalf, seeking his or her long-term blessing and profit. The way to know that we love (agapē) God is that we keep His commandments. Jesus said, “Whoever has my commandments, and keeps them, that is the one who loves me” (John 14:21). There are Christians who say they love God, but their lifestyle is contrary to the will of God. These people mistake their feelings of affection for God for true agapē love. Jesus made this clear: “Whoever does not love me does not keep my words” (John 14:24). Love, agapē, is the distinctive character of the Christian life in relation to other Christians and to all humanity. The “loving” thing to do may not always be easy, and true love is not “mushy sentimentalism.” There is often a cost to genuine love. For example, asking someone to leave your Christian fellowship because they persist in flagrant sin is loving, but never easy (1 Cor. 5:1-5). That agapē love involves doing the right and responsible thing does not mean that it cannot have feelings attached to it, and the ideal situation occurs when the loving thing to do also is what we want to do. Christians are to be known for their love toward one another (John 13:35).
Phileō, which is translated as “love” in many English versions, is different from agapaō love (philos is the noun form (#5384 φίλος), and phileō, (#5368 φιλέω) is the verb form of the root word.) Phileō means “to have a special interest in someone or something, frequently with focus on close association; have affection for, like, consider someone a friend.”a It would probably be helpful if phileō were never translated as “love” in the New Testament because it refers to a strong liking or a strong friendship. Of course, we see how phileō gets translated “love,” because in modern culture we use the word “love” to describe things that we strongly like. So, for example, we say, “I love ice cream” or “I love my car” when we actually only “strongly like” them. The word phileō implies a strong emotional connection, and thus is used of the deep friendship between friends, and is used of the way people “really like” things, or get mentally attached to them. Thus, you can agapē your enemies, but you cannot phileō them. While agapē love does not have to have good feelings associated with it (as in “love your enemies”), phileō love has the strong emotion of friendship associated with it.
The difference between agapē and phileō becomes very important in John 21, but unfortunately, it is obscured in most English translations. After being raised from the dead, Jesus met Peter. Here is the short version of what they said to each other.
Jesus: Simon…do you love (agapē) me more than these [fish]?
Peter: Yes, Lord; you know that I love (phileō) you.
Jesus: Simon…do you love (agapē) me?
Peter: Yes, Lord, you know that I love (phileō) you.
Jesus: Simon…do you love (phileō) me?
Peter: [Grieved] “Lord, you know that I love (phileō) you.”Why did Jesus use agapē and Peter use phileō? Jesus was asking Peter if he loved him with the love of God, a love that may require sacrifice and doing what you feel obligated to do but may not want to do. After all, Jesus had just gone through something he did not want to do but did anyway because of his agapē love. In contrast, Peter avoided possible torture by denying Jesus. Thus, Jesus twice asked Peter, “Do you agapē me?” In other words, “Are you willing to do things for my sake that you do not want to do?” Peter, on the other hand, still felt the sting of having denied Jesus, and was hopeful that their friendship was intact. Peter wondered if Jesus held Peter’s denial against him. Would Jesus still treat Peter as a close friend? Peter was not sure where he stood with Jesus, so he was trying to let Jesus know that he was still a true friend, and had phileō love for Jesus.
The third time Jesus spoke to Peter, he came to Peter’s level and asked if Peter were indeed a true friend (phileō), which grieved Peter. Nevertheless, it was important, because Jesus knew what Peter did not know—that Jesus would ascend into heaven, and Peter and the others would be left to carry out his work on earth, which would require that they do things they did not want to, even, as it turned out, die as a martyr.